Months Of Full Time

From the perspective of someone who used to find it odd to wear diapers after you became old enough to use the toilet, it seems I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole too deep to come up for air. Ultimately, I have ended up wearing Abena M4s and for those of you who read this knowing about ABDL and the items used often, you probably know that they are a good one despite being medical and not one of the luxury ABDL brands.

Now, how I feel has shifted a bit. I tend to enjoy just wearing sometimes, and other times it is because I am in little space. Part of this has to do with my partner being a little, and I want her to be happy with me at the reigns, so I’m not always able to enjoy being little. I haven’t found that to be as hard because I have people who help me out, including a certain Owl and Bun (Because apparently he isn’t a woofle…) who treat me like a princess, so shoutouts to them for being so awesome and making it easier for me to enjoy both aspects of my switch life.

So to the main topic at hand: Fulltime.
For a few months, I went fulltime in Abena M4s and let me say, it was amazing, but it was also work for me. It was difficult because I wanted to be little and just play a lot of the time. I didn’t have anyone to take care of me in person. that made it somewhat difficult, but ultimately it was still pleasant as the sensations of padding and warmth that came with it are extremely enjoyable. The feelings are still there, where I just love the sensations, the feeling of safety, and just everything about it.

So please forgive the hiatus. It wasn’t planned, but I should be back on schedule now.



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Padding And Life – A Strange Feeling

Since my last post on the subject of AB/DL a while back, I have actually started wearing diapers full time. Oh boy, let me tell you how strange it is after a few weeks full time.


To clarify my situation, I do not always wet, but I have always had a problem with dripping due to poor childhood choices and long car trips. This meant I was likely going to end up with incontinence products one way or another. Now that that is cleared up, lets try to be descriptive as possible. What many people who wear say about it usually includes something about clouds, and I have to concur. It is extremely soft and warm. I love thicker padding, as it makes me feel more secure if I do wet, and the inability to close my legs makes walking so difficult. I cant help but enjoy it.

The only downside is slight dryness there. Most of my day is spent sitting in front of a computer doing college work, reading lectures, and enjoying some casual gaming from time to time, so I don’t get up very often.


Now my thoughts on the subject are very muddled. I didnt think, at first, that I would enjoy wetting as much as I do. The  warmth that comes with it is surprisingly pleasant, and that feeds into the weirdness of it for me. Ive also found myself more aroused by pee in general, but it mainly stems from my little partner’s rule of having to tell me when she goes to the bathroom. Overall, the more I go down this rabbit hole, the more confused, upset, and scared I get. But no matter what, as long as I have my partner by my side, Im not afraid to keep pushing the boundaries of what I thought I liked before.

Due to college, I have been having trouble keeping to a strict schedule. This should change soon due to changing classes. Ill try to make a new post soon, however.

Thank you for being patient.

Belief – My View On Religion

I Feel The Best Way To Live Is As Follows. “If It Harms None, Do As Ye Will.


I feel these words are extremely important, especially in these extremely censored, and silent times. Let preface this off by saying, I don’t care what you believe in. That isnt me saying I dont want to know, but rather me saying it does not impact how I feel about you as a person. So long as you do not shove everything you believe in (religion, ideology, creed, or otherwise), down my throat, you are fine to do what you want with your life.


I do not like religion. That is something strange to say, coming from a person who is actually religious. A clearer statement is that I do not like mainstream religions. This includes Islam and Christianity. The reason is simple: Throughout history, these religions have both been used for terrible deeds. Blood has been shed under every major religion. Many minor religions, and pagan religions have been wiped out, attacked and ultimately erased (partially, or entirely) from history. Religions that follow one person, has an ideology that demonizes others, or preaches perfection are dangerous and harmful to others. That being said, it is not the people who follow these religions who I dislike, but the beliefs  carried by the religion, and the bad past that follows them.


I, myself, am a Hellenic Polytheist. I don’t have much time for religion between psychology, and other life tasks, so instead, I dedicate most of what I do to the gods. Between dedicating my studies to Athena, the storms around me to Zeus, The days to Apollon, nights to Artemis, my family time to Hestia, and my sexual pleasures to Aphrodite, I feel like I do enough for my gods to call myself a Hellenic Polytheist.


In the end, in regards to religion and all of life, I feel we should all live by a simple pagan saying. “If it harms none, do as ye will.” If it isnt harming anyone (with the exception of themselves, as it is their choice alone), you should not try to stop someone from doing something they desire. It is their live to live, not yours. Believe what you want (or don’t). It is up to you and you alone what you do with your life.

The Psychology Behind Self Expression

It still fascinates me how hard it is for people to be themselves. Its less often others holding them back, but their own mental attitude. That in itself is an extremely sad prospect. Why do we hold ourselves back from being free to express crucial portions of who we are? Why do we give so much power over ourselves to society? That is actually psychology.


The fact of the matter is that your brain does not allow you to feel comfortable with going against the grain. It does everything in its power to prevent that. Those same social psychological defence mechanisms is the reason not everyone jumps up to help someone in need. Its because others are there that most people will not go to help someone. Its not that people are cruel, but they expect that someone nearby will help them, or is already helping them. This ties in to the previous portions as it is a root psychological function. In our heads, there is danger in going against the grain, so our mind makes us not want to be ourselves in order to protect ourselves.

Now that you know how that works to a degree, and what causes it, you have to ask yourself how to hide it, or overcome the mental block preventing you. The former portion is tough. Hiding and masking who you are as a human being is an insanely hard process, and that can be said both psychologically and from my own personal experience from childhood. If you intend to do that, you must figure out how to overcome the feeling of being fake, and that is a daunting task to some.

The other option would be to overcome the mental block that makes you feel bad about being yourself. That is also difficult, but not impossible. It starts when you accept yourself. If you can do that, you can overcome any other hardship that comes with being yourself. That being said, it is a prerequisite and is necessary for you to actually progress down this path of self acceptance.


In the end, its up to you what path you take. I believe that you, the reader, and everyone else on this planet, should be able to express themselves safely and feel happy about who they are. Its not going to happen in my lifetime, but Ill try my hardest to encourage people to be themselves, even if they are unsure what to do.

The Battle Of Desire

Every time I discover something I like, want, crave and desire, my world seems to fall apart in one aspect or another. Discovering my sexuality was not straight brought about a lot of resistance from my family and even some friends. Accepting myself as a furry has opened myself up to ridicule and criticism for a vice that allows me to open up as myself. Deciding to identify openly as polyamorous has caused many problems in my usually monogamous relationships, past and present.  Finally, attempting to embrace the fact that I am in the ABDL spectrum, and desire to wear diapers has left me with another reason to feel like a freak.

We, as humans and individuals, are obsessed with our public outlook to the point that we destroy ourselves more than the public would. I myself see myself as a freak, where as anyone else on this earth who feels like I do is not that strange to me. These feelings of self hatred and worthlessness only follow myself around and that is solely a learned behavior beaten in through years of conforming to society. Its a coping mechanism that is only causing me pain, mentally, and causes many people physical pain in the form of self harm.


I do not want to live here in the burden of my desires, and see myself as a freak. I want to wholly embrace the fact that I, like everyone else on earth, am an individual who seeks to find comfort and acceptance in what I do. I want to accept myself first and foremost, and make being accepted by others as a secondary goal. I don’t want to struggle with the pains of worrying about social norms and conformity when I have my own happiness to seek. What I desire is not harming anyone, so I should not feel inclined to destroy my own self outlook because social norms dictate that it is abnormal.

I hope that everyone strives to do this and succeeds. You aren’t a freak, a monster, or any negative thing your brain tells you that you are. You are you, and you are beautiful. I hope that you can see that too.

These are my goals, and saying this outright is my first step towards realizing these goals.

I am Cosmos. I am a twenty year old woman who enjoys the idea of wearing diapers. I identify as an ABDL. Despite what my brain thinks, I am not a freak. I will strive harder than ever to accept and love myself against the harsh constructs of society. The battle of my own desires will only ever be won by me.

State of the World

We live in an age of information, technology, and growth. So why is it that humans are ignorant enough to keep fighting? 


Through my time living in the middle of nowhere, I have seen so much. Beautiful landscapes of rolling hills, blooming with flora and lush with fauna. I never dreamed once In my suburban life that I would ever be living here on a twenty acre farm. Seeing all this beauty, It makes me wonder why human beings are still struggling with hatred, violence and aggression. The only reason I have for that is the fact that we, as humans, take too much pride in ourselves, our races, sexes, genders, sexualities, religions, nationalities and in the accomplishments of others. We condemn each other, not for the actions we have done, but rather the actions of humans long dead who lived a thousand years ago. I see this in the issues of race relations with both black, and white Americans. Black Americans demonizing white americans for the actions of their ancestors (or potential ancestors), and racist white Americans who believe they are superior because long dead white Americans from history invented great things.

Instead of focusing on the actions of others, we should try to do more for ourselves, each other, and for the future children we will have. We are the future. If we don’t improve ourselves, WE will be the reason our children end up with no structure, balance, or guidance. We need to start doing our job and preparing to bring in the next generation, or else this species as a whole is in danger of failing.

Love each other now. That is what we need to focus on. Before we permanently damage the structure of our society and cause it to collapse on top of us.

The Diaper Dilemma

I’ll preface this off by stating that I haven’t actually worn diapers since I was a toddler. I don’t know the actual experience, and have very little in the sense of ABDL, CG/L and that sphere of kink and desire.

I want to wear diapers. It’s a weird conclusion to come to, being a 20 year old psychology student, but it’s one I have struggled to come to terms with. The last few weeks of trying to overcome the fear and anxiety that comes with wrestling with my adult brain for one drop of comfort has been mentally exhausting. Overcoming it has been one of the greatest feelings I’ve had in a long time, but it isn’t exactly long lived.

My partner, whom is currently a thousand miles away, is more of a “little” or sub in the relationship. I’ve always been used to taking the reigns, but it has become increasingly difficult for me to please her as the dominant member of the relationship. My desire to be submissive paired with the burning necessity to regress in a nonsexual way makes My position as a dom in the relationship feel forced.
Now I’m sure she will read this, and I must clarify that this does not mean that I do not love her. I just wish it was easier for me to be what I believe you want. She is supportive and tries her hardest, but it isnt always enough. I don’t feel right. I feel like I’m forcing her into a position where she has to be dom and doesn’t want to. Even if that isnt the case, that is my thoughts on the matter.

I want to be able to regress to an age from which I didnt have much of a childhood. I practically want to relive those days, when my life was entirely eat, sleep, and go to the bathroom with a side of playtime. It sounds so appealing to me and I guess that’s what scares me the most. As an intellectual going into the psychology field, I’m terrified of my own mentality.

So yes, it seems like I’ve gotten myself into a dilemma. This horror show has lasted 2 months now and I don’t see it getting any easier.

A New Beginning

Over the course of my twenty years of life, I have found that new beginnings are often the hardest course of action. Once again, I find myself in a position to explain who I am, and I am simply lost for words. My mouth is empty despite my brain telling me that its for the best that I get this done. I know I need to progress my writing skills farther, and I also need to break free from this slump of inactivity that I call real life. I don’t do much anymore with the exception of college and talking to my girlfriend a thousand miles away with the worst internet known to man. I needed something more to tame my wandering mind, and to vent. The easiest way for me to vent is to do so anonymously, and yet, out loud so people can hear. So I guess that is why I’m here. That is why I desired to make this blog, and why I’m doing all that I can to progress my life farther.

I don’t desire to do this for anyone but myself, but if you come to enjoy ramblings of a twenty year old college student with barely any life experience, I am truly honored I am the one you chose.


So I guess it’s time to explain a bit about me that won’t be going into my about page for easy consumption. Feel free to ignore this portion, as this goes into everything from hobbies to fetishes.

  • I am an ABDL, or at least have some desire to be. That desire makes life increasingly difficult because not only do I not have the ability to express it, but I also feel terrible for having said desire.
  • I am a furry. Maybe not the same way the public sees it as. Most people seem to see furries as these “sick in the head” man-children. A lot of the time, I just see many of them as artists and creators. Who cares how old they are when they are producing amazing (albeit sometimes VERY NSFW) art?
  • I am a woman. Not much can be said here, but I felt it should be said somewhere.
  • Finally, and the least drastic out of all of these. I am human. Shocker, right?  I feel the need to present this here because sometimes its easy to forget that words on the internet are coming from a human with real emotions. I have feelings, desires, and dreams. I make mistakes, and I own up to them.

Welcome to my journey of self discovery. I wish you all the best of luck with your own personal introspection. I will try to at least post once a week about something minimum.